QUANTICO: Bholiwood newBIe in Federal heeBIe-jeeBIe

By Nataranjan Bohidar

Quantico, Poster, TV Series, Priyanka Chopra

Every time I get down to watch QUANTICO I get the heebie-jeebies. Will Priyanka, my favourite actor at début many many years before a badminton champion's daughter débuted, début well here? Will India come out of this BHOLIwood coming out party with flying tri-colours? She's a bholi-bhali, not yet 70, bindaas and ready to GDPower the  universe, but will she know how to handle the beeg baad beez world of  show feexes (to be read aloud in kar-deshi-an drawl) & trans-oceanic quaintrixes? Who talked this baby broad mouth  into this miss-adventure? I get anxious  simply imagining just how much rides for our nation on this army backgrounder's  show show shoulder, if not ba ba back. So, I decided to sit up and simply write off my anxiety... just bust my stress away, pen it out (no pun intended).

> QuantEEKS & Co. 01

Very wordy promo... appears in a hurry  to promote investor & accompanying paraphernalia on Priyanka's  showlders to get some traction before QUANTICO fades into oblivion by virtue, or in this case vice, of its very fractured narrative.The editing is two times or more scissor happy than the entire FBI is trigger happy  and you wonder if it's because the acting is pedestrian even if Priyanka's cleavage is spectacular and a celebration of all women in general and the Asian fertility cult in particular. But, hey, I've only seen one epic-showed ! And while Priyanka does look the intelligent oriental darkly mulling type, who cares for brain curry or the woman's soul on the idiot box?

Which is why Kapil Komedies are so popular and help us laugh away our nightly  blues.You see, fertility is such a bummer, if not total coitus interruptus! Kapil's ardhangini has perhaps the most delectable mouth  in the face of the competition she faces from Priyanka, but the (w)hole family is going crazy about their not trying  hard enough to make a baby  and this is so screwing up their married  life and rubbing them up the wrong way, if you know what I mean !

Quantico, Poster, TV Series, Priyanka Chopra
If looks could kill baby face Priyanka would be dead
But let's wait and watch... Priyanka in a talk show did promise us some adult action "during college / training days"... which may be good reason for her to promote QUANTICO on Kapil's Nights of Merry Kom-edy! After all, no one on Jimmy Kimmel's Show is going to get excited over some flighty chirpy birdy num num's fedsexcapades in their very own Bureau of Investigations reeking already of far too many  xxx-tra marital vows & xxx-tra martial wows! Any takers ?

> QuantEEKS & Co. 04

If you can take your eyes off PeeCee's cleavage you will notice her other asset, not her lips, but the words coming out of her mouth  and you will marvel at how well these guys write their scripts that even dumb actors sound awesome even when they act, well, dumb !

QUANTICO is a jumble of characters you will probably connect with in the 18th episode by which time any TRP pulled in by the serial will be godot's gift  to the FBI on account of the waiting... So, i'm just going to be patient with this zoo story, dotted with unjoinable dots, until Indian year-closing month of Holi March! By then, of course, Dil-hi police  may start looking equally smart, federally speaking!

Puppy love or hush puppy?
Check out the sequence where PeeCee promises some guy who is brushing his teeth in the loo a soirée of future sex for doing her some life saving favour, one of which is to keep his eyes  transfixed on her throughout her career,  which would  be considered stalking in Bharat or gender harassment but we'll let that go for the time being considering the action is situate in Umrika, and you will notice the sexual tension between the mouth washing guy and PeeCee is friggin, sorry frigid chilling, colder than the warmth it could generate between her and her commander should he  pin a medal on her,  ahem, chest in any police academy at a possible passion, sorry passing out parade.

And now here is  HT, Bharat's greatest Hindi paper in English, crying  to teach PeeCee how to, if not warm love, at least warm mush:

Quantico, Poster, TV Series, Priyanka Chopra
Cosmetico model for native commercials
"For all the good press and eyeballs she is getting from ABC’s Quantico, Priyanka Chopra sure needs to learn a trick or two on how to cry better. She looks miserable, not because she’s heartbroken, but because all that she could do in the name of c...
"Hindustan Times - 26 October 2015

* Here is a quick illustration of how HT comes up with its awesome Angrezi...

"After a big hiccup that was the last episode, Quantico seems to have repositioned its feet for a better hold."

This above is a pioneering English translation for what appears to be originally chaste Hindi below:

बड़ी हिचकी वाली पिछली एपिसोड के बाद लगता हे कि Quantico ने अपने पैर समभाला है एक बेहतर पकड़ के लिए !

> QuantEEKS & Co. 08

Watch this space for bholi-wood news after 4 more episodes.Will you? Even if you aren't viewing QUANTICO itself.

- नटरंjan bohiदार

Sign off signifying nothing besides unyet hybrid but already pidgin nature of QUANटिको! Kya, टिके ga कि nahin? )

About Author - 

Nataranjan Bohidar has 40 years of teaching, training & transformational expertise. His interests are socio-cultural symbiogenesis & citizen positioning. His current initiative is to position India as a democracy within a continuum where cinema is a key subtext.

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